Normal Child Syndrome

Awhile ago I posted a video about a woman who spoke about "glass children" on my facebook wall. Below is the video if you want to watch it. "Glass children", in this instance, are siblings of children with disabilities. The reference comes from the fact that these siblings often do not receive as much attention as their special needs brother or sister, and therefore sometimes feel as if their parents are looking through them. 

I used to call this same phenomenon "normal child syndrome." I have a slightly different definition for it, however. My definition would be "a sibling of a child with a disability who feels that because they are "normal" they must be the most amazing child ever." Not because their parents won't look at them. Mine worked hard to pay attention to me. No, because they feel a sense of extreme guilt that their sibling will never have the opportunities that they have. Their sibling will never reach the heights that the "normal" child could possibly reach and so if you don't reach those, you are failing. 

I think this is why my mom was constantly worried about how much I was socializing. I was (and still am somewhat) an introvert. I felt no need to constantly be with people, and honestly usually reached a threshold of socialization and then needed to be alone. I still struggle with the idea that this could be linked to the fact that I am a "carrier" of Fragile X. I don't know if I'll ever know if that's true, but it's what I felt.

It's only been as recently as meeting my now husband Ryan, that I've really been able to find my own voice. I wish I could express how much freedom he has give me from just somehow completely understanding where I'm coming from, and giving me the confidence to know that who I am is okay. 

That is the core of it. When you are a sibling of a child with a disability, you are constantly wondering if you are good enough. Am I normal enough? Am I excelling enough? Did I go to a good enough college that my sibling can't even dream about? Have I made enough friends? Do I wear the right things? Does me as a person measure up to what I think I should be? 

You wouldn't think a sibling with a disability would be hard to live up to. But let me tell you. My brother is the most compassionate and caring person EVER. If someone else got in trouble at school he would cry. He hates seeing other people hurt. Even if they deserve it. If we lived according to my brother's rules there would be no war, hate, crime, anything that we complain about every day. THAT is hard to live up to. I don't always forgive and I don't always forget, but my brother does. Every single time. 

So, no, I can't completely relate to the woman in this video. I don't think I have her full sense of anger. I didn't experience everything that she did. But I can relate to the idea of not feeling good enough. Of feeling, in a way, invisible unless you are doing something amazing. 

I don't know when I'll get to a point where I can talk about these issues like the woman above does, but I hope when I do, I don't feel angry or sad or depleted. I hope I feel empowered, and finally, maybe, at peace.